Missing my Mom ~ (Stumbled on this Recently …)

Last week, I was happily shopping in the frozen food aisle at Safeway.  Someone in the next aisle over sneezed and I immediately started crying.  It sounded like my mom’s sneeze.  I didn’t even know that I knew what it sounded like, but I guess I do.  I buried my head in a freezer case when someone walked by and tried to compose myself before heading to the next aisle.  It didn’t take long, then I was fine.  Grief always seems to hit me like that, at unexpected times.

Two days ago, I stumbled on something on my computer, that I wrote right before she died.  I don’t even remember writing it.  There is one paragraph I wrote, telling myself this is exactly what would happen … the little things.   I even mentioned a grocery store later.  I know myself and my life too well, I guess.  :)  Seeing what I wrote triggered a vague memory of me posting it here on Bargain Believer, so I dug it up.

Somehow, I feel like publishing it again, so I will.  I hope it will bring someone comfort, though I warn that it might also bring tears, especially if you have lost someone you love.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you, no matter your circumstances ….  I know this day has mixed emotions for so many, but I hope that you can find joy in it, no matter what!  I know I will.  I have many blessings in my life … her life and legacy being one of them!

Here’s what I published almost two years ago (also here… thanks for all the kind comments you left before. I just read them again.) . . .  Yes, I’m crying again.  At least I don’t have to freeze myself in a freezer case at Safeway this time.  :)

This was taken in Hawaii (in Oct), where Mom took us (with our families)
after being told she had a short time to live.
We had a trip of a lifetime, filled with great memories!
I am on the left, with my two sisters on the other side.

I realize it’s not for everyone.  Be assured that I’m still here to bring you bargains from Arizona, not just ramblings that you may not agree with.  But, for those of you who want to read . . . keep going.

It is Well!

This was written on July 22nd, “in the middle of the night,” as I couldn’t sleep — about 30 hours before she died on July 23rd, 2014.

My mom is dying.  Cancer is taking her.  I don’t like it.

I can’t help but think of Hortio G. Spafford’s story.  He wrote the hymn “It is Well with my Soul” after his four daughters had drowned.  His wife survived the shipwreck and remembered a friend saying, “It’s easy to be grateful and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God.”

So, I am thankful to God now . . . right now, in the midst of tears and a broken heart.  I am a friend of God in the good times and the bad.  My life is full of blessings.  Life will never be the same without my mom, but it will still be the perfect life God has for me.  That doesn’t seem possible right now, but I will trust.

I’ve been here before, with the heavy burden of death lurking.  Our newborn son lived only five weeks, never leaving the hospital.  Going through that pain and still being in love with God and with the life He has given me, produced a firm confidence.  I will not only survive, I will thrive!  I have a peace and joy that can’t be taken from me.

There will be days when I need to dig for the deep joy I have, when I’m not able to count on the surface happiness to get me through.  I will need that true joy since I will feel pain that I don’t want to feel.  I’ll experience anguish that, at moments, will feel unbearable.  I will have small regrets.  I’ll cry so much that my head will hurt for days.  I’ll feel the emptiness of daily tasks that will make doing them seem wrong.  I will make friends and even strangers feel uncomfortable as I shed a tear at a seemingly random time.  It’s the “little stuff” that will get me most, which really makes up the “big stuff” in life.  I have so many “little stuff” memories with my mom that will be cherished and remembered, often.

Hopefully, it won’t take me long to look beyond my own hurt and wonder what everyone else at the grocery store (or wherever!) is dealing with.  Then, I can hope that the wonder will turn into an opportunity for me to listen to or encourage someone who needs it.  That’s what my mom would have done.  There’s pain all around us and nobody is immune.

My mom will be fine, beyond fine!  She believes Jesus is her savior and is forgiven and ready to be welcomed into heaven.  I truly believe that.  So, I need to change my thinking.  Cancer is not taking her.  God is taking her home.  It is well with my soul . . . past, present, and future!

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.”
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